Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, fellow citizens.
Tonight, I come before you to outline the reasons why the state of our union is poor. Very poor. I place blame on no one but myself. My policies have destroyed our economy, made unemployment skyrocket and raised our national debt by more than fifty percent.
For more than a year now I have lied to you about the events that transpired at our embassy in Benghazi. I knew within two hours that it was a terrorist attack but I ordered our military to stand down and, as a result, our ambassador and three other Americans were brutally murdered. I knew if the truth was known about my failure to act that it would severely harm my reelection so I gave orders to my staff to lie and say it was an obscure video that caused the attack. I’m frankly surprised people were naïve enough to believe it, but some of you did. Tonight I’m ordering the release of all documents and videos, which will provide indisputable proof that Secretary Clinton, myself and my staff are completely culpable for what happened.
Some of you were also naïve enough to believe me when I said if you like your health plan and your doctor that you can keep them. My staff and I still chuckle about that one. But, I had to lie to you because if you knew the truth about the Affordable Care Act there’s no way it would have ever been passed. Since no member of Congress has tried to prevent my use of executive order to modify the implementation of the ACA, tonight I am signing an executive order repealing the Act and I am asking the American people to vote out any member of Congress who voted in favor of its passage.
Earlier today I ordered the arrest of Attorney General Eric Holder and the termination of his employment. His criminal acts in supplying Mexican drug cartels with weapons have been responsible for the deaths of more than one American. I’d like to thank the media for protecting him as long as they did, but it is time for him to face the consequences for his actions.
I would like to apologize to the American people for all of my vacations. Michelle and I have long exploited the taxpayers, forcing you to fund our excursions around the world. We have spent millions and millions of dollars on our vacations, while some of you are unable to even find employment. Tonight I’m announcing that there will be no more vacations and my golf clubs will be sold on eBay, with the proceeds going to Wounded Warriors.
After several years of allowing illegal immigrants to enter our country unabated, I am ordering our border to be sealed. For too long now I have allowed these people to enter our country illegally, while at the same time pressuring Congress to legalize their status. Providing welfare benefits to them has cost our country way too much. Even though I had hoped they would become Democrats once made legal, the financial burden to our citizens is too great.
Lastly, I would like to thank the American people for allowing me to serve as your president. While I would prefer to continue as your leader, I realize that the majority of you do not want a socialist running your country, nor do you want socialist programs to be enacted. So, therefore, effective at twelve o’clock noon tomorrow, Eastern Daylight Time, I am resigning as President of the United States.
Thank you, God bless the United States of America, and good night.